This too shall be out from my random thoughts

So hey,

i've failed to update my blog again but now, i am! yay! i've been trying to update it for the last whole week.. it's so annoying when you're renting a place and you don't own the wifi router and you can only hope for the landlord to do something about it.. especially it's the holidays where.. i am alone and it seems like the landlord doesnt care if i rot in this room due to boredom. ANYWAYS..

so, what's been up lately? same old.. i've stressed for so long.. not to mention i have been having these stresses ever since i was little and to be exact, ever since 2001. As i have said, i am not the richest person in the world so, studying a little far from Brunei is already a struggle for me.. i tried looking for a job once but i was not allowed because it was too soon for me to get a job in the first semester of college. so i waited for another semester, my timetable's too tight so i couldnt get a job because if i will, i am confident i will fail my papers.. i'm not a very bright student but i try. i do, people dont believe me, i do try. 

let's change subjects, i don't wanna finish the latter story.

So hey,

My memories of my first few months in Kuching in 2008 was horrible.. i was antisocial.. but i've manage to get a girlfriend.. which i never put any effort to get her. She liked me so she went all ... *manja2 on me so all i could do is to think.. "if i reject her, it'll make me a bad person.. ergh.. i'll just give it a try then.."

So i dated her for a whole three month.. i gave all my attention to her. i gave advices for her own good.. during the process she lied to me.. she told me she was single so i thought our relationship was legit.. but then, one time, she went out and she left her phone to me trusting that no one's gonna text her..

but she was wrong... i received her text and that's where i found out i was the third wheel (org ketiga) in the relationship.. i was pissed.. but pretended i didn't know anything.. i deleted the message. i was thinking positive because that time she might be in the process of breaking up with him. but then it took long enough, she was still seeing the guy.. and at the same time, her family hate me because i was a Malay and even accused me of being a bad influence to her because i lead her to fail her exams.. For ALL this time i asked her to study hard for her exams.. this is what i get.. even when i try to study for my own exams, she would be angry because i was not paying my attention to her.. sheessshh talk about selfish. she was the most selfish ex-girlfriend i've ever had.. i couldn't take it anymore so at the moment she transferred to another college, i dumped her straightaway. 

if you don't understand what ever i'm saying above, well, i'm not gonna explain.. like i said, they're my random thoughts.

I've been hurt.

too much.

She's just only one of them.

there were more.

Some people are just lucky...

they're relationships may not be perfect but they're still better than my experience of being in a relationship.

Yours survived.

Mine did not.

Be grateful and don't throw it all away because it's not marriage yet.

When you're married, that'll be a different story.

i did this in college.

WAITING SUCKS!

Welcoming myself.

Hi ALL!

It's been forever since i last blogged. I'm actually blogging because i was stalking Eva and Shichi's blog.. it seemed fun and reminds me of myself. I thought blogging was super fun because you get to write some shits that people actually get to read them.. well, depends on who they are.. Sometimes it's stupid that people have blogs and then set it to private.. If you're that secretive, get a diary.. don't waste time and space in the Internet. hahaha. sorry.. 

i have my own opinion about people having accounts in social networks and sometimes i HATE them.

I don't treat my blog as my diary.. it's not even a captain's journal.. i type it in because sometimes i don't mind  telling the world what happens to my life nowadays.  My old posts were actually very... "emo" because.. well just like anyone else in the world, we have our own version of midlife crisis.. Some disagree if my situation is a mid-life crisis.. but hey, different people, different opinions.. i don't mind.. but i really don't like them comparing they're   little  problems with mine.. i know mine is bigger.. my life isn't perfect but i try my best to  hide my sad expressions. One time i couldn't stand  the feeling.. i almost bust into tears.

 Yes girls, Men can cry too. 

Anyways, recently, I've been going  on activities.. we went cycling at the beach, went for a movie.. i went to help out at the Lomobooth, yeah, lomography exhibition, we want the world to know that film photography still exists.. it has much more feel to creativeness when you hold a film camera. :) anyways, I'm not gonna babble about lomography now.. maybe in the future.

So, i hope post more of my thoughts in the future. :) i hope enjoy reading about my humble life.

Assalamua'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

This isn't a suicidal blog

sorry i havent been updating.

so, hey.. it's past raya already.. i thought raya was goin to be fine and everything.. 

but all of that was just wishful thinking.. a lot happened during raya. no one knows how i felt that time.

all the guilt. sadness.. emotions.. it hurts badly.. 

i even thought about suicide.. yeah. but no. i'm not that pathetic. i must be optimistic..

but no matter how.. i can't help from being this close to breaking down.

i know i have someone to talk to. i know i have someone to share my doubts, my guilts.. my problems..

but i just cant sometimes.. i know i am not the only has the worse problems.. but still.. i have problems. i wanna talk about it. i wanna let it off my shoulders for a bit too.. but i cant. i just dont want too sometimes.. i wanna see smiles. i wanna see laughter.. not their pity face saying "we'll be here for you wan.. no matter what.." 

i secretly want that... but i always wanna be the one who says

"it's better if it was me, not you"

what i meant by this was.. let me be sad.. instead of you.

sometimes, i do need a hero too.

Sometimes i think of myself as a failure to my dad. my mom. both of them love me. i know that. but i know i've disappointed them sometimes.. i cant bare the fact that i will fail them again.. this hurts. i tried my best to be their best.. they trust me and my sister. my sister has a bright future i know that coz she;s way smarter than myself in high school.. my parents gave so much.. i.. wanna be able to give them back. their happiness. 

i don't have what you have, that doesn't bother me..

But my parents want me to have what you have..

that makes me sad.

Please Allah.. help me.

i can't stand crying inside.

Kids, they have problems like..

why can't they get that iphone or a blackberry.

why can't they be pretty like them.

why can't they have big bulky cameras.

why can't they have all the little things that doesn't matter.

they have better lives than mine.

they just don't know how mine goes.

Trust me, i am a very understanding guy.

i think more than twice than making a decision.. like in terms of spending.

even relationships.

 all that.. it;s gonna distract me from a better future.

i don't know what to do..

:'( friends can never be reliable sometimes.

YA ALLAH (SWT)

All praises are for you Allah, how I hope that you are there.

For sinful though I know I am, your displeasure I cannot bear.

Never, till this moment, did I realize how much I've strayed.

Never, till now, was I more conscious of all those times when I should have prayed.

For sins are like heavy baggage, that one carries through Life, the airport.

Why didn't I realize sooner, that Earth is but a place of sport?

Ya Allah! Forgive me. Save me from the fire of Hell.

Forgive me as you did my parents, from Jan'ah though they fell.

Ya Allah! Protect me. From myself for my soul is weak.

Let me not falter ever, for Jan'ah is the abode I seek.

Ya, Allah! Please help me. For I don't understand and thus, I fear.

What happened to all those moments when I never doubted that you were near?

My actions once were guided, by my faith which, once, was strong.

Ya Allah! Please guide me. What happened, what went wrong?

Each footstep that I used to take, I took with you ever near my side.

The Quran was my faithful companion, Rasoolallah my beloved guide.

How I yearn for those bygone days Allah, for I know that the day comes near.

When we'll each receive our just rewards, and Truth will stand sparkling clear.

Life is like a spider's web Allah. We get caught in its trick snare

So thoroughly are we disillusioned, time for salat we cannot spare.

I sit here and I wonder, Ya Allah! Why did I fall so low?

What happened to my faith Allah? Where did my Iman go?

In this earthly life of ours, so often does sin seem right.

Falsehood seems to be the truth, as if days are confused with night.

Man is an imperfect creature. And thus, Man shall always wrong.

For the road to Jan'ah is rocky, and the journey seems awfully long.

Ya Allah! Our creator, we are all just pieces of clay.

Please help us with our steps in life, and let us not lose our way.

All praises are for you Allah, I know that you are near.

I know that you have read my heart, and my words I know you hear.

Day 13 - A picture of your friends

I DON'T CARE IT'S MY BLOG! i'll post as much as i want to. hmmph!

:)

Day 12 - A picture of your favorite food

Admit it... you like eating this too. heheheh

Honesty.

to be honest.. i'm kinda lonely.. i miss the friends i've had before.. i know that they have their own paths to walk on to.. but then, there's nothin' wrong for me to feel lonely.. i need someone to talk too.. i know can't talk to them everyday.. but then.. i need to talk to someone from now and then.. i know it's their holidays.. but i just can't stop myself from feeling lonely.. if i had a car.. if someone wanted to look me up.. no matter how far.. i'd drive to their house or where-ever they are.. i have a phone.. they could call me anytime i want....

i feel really lonely.. this silence is deafening.. it's crushing me..

:( i'm sorry if i'm not the best person to look up too.

I'm sorry i'm not your favourite person..

Day 11 - A picture of your favorite drink

I don't have a favourite drink.. but i'll post one of favorable drinks that i usually order in a Cafe. :D

uhmm.. Corn.. milk? peng? apakan.. hehe

Day 10 - A picture of what you like to do

The 10th day Photo. This is what i like to do at the moment. taking my Lomo cams out and take random shots. :D i'm not sure if it's art or what. it's fun! it's mysterious. :D

Btw, the only the Yellow one is mine.

Day 08 - A picture of yourself

here's a picture of myself. i guess. ergh. vain.

it's a boring picture i know. This was taken in Metropolitan/Inti Subang during our INTIMA conference earlier this year. missing those moments man... :D

Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry

I don't have a picture that literally can make me cry so.. no pictures for this slot. :D plus i'm a guy, i have to be ummph! ummph! haha. kuat? i don't know.. i just don't.

Day 06 - A picture that inspires you

Julia Nunes. She inspired me to learn how to play a Ukulele. (yu-ke-lay-li)

but right now my ukulele isn't with me because Aween borrowed it. :D

Day 05 - A picture of your morning

Sorry. i didn't take any pictures of my morning to day, hahahaha.

Day 04 - A picture of where you went today

i was in my room. this is a picture at night from my window and the picture below is where i'll be heading next. :) oh,, that's a blanket my mom made me. :)

i didnt go anywhere today. :D i only had classes in college and went back to my room.. i know i know.. i should've taken a picture of my class. but hey.. i forgot. :D