sorry i havent been updating.
so, hey.. it's past raya already.. i thought raya was goin to be fine and everything..
but all of that was just wishful thinking.. a lot happened during raya. no one knows how i felt that time.
all the guilt. sadness.. emotions.. it hurts badly..
i even thought about suicide.. yeah. but no. i'm not that pathetic. i must be optimistic..
but no matter how.. i can't help from being this close to breaking down.
i know i have someone to talk to. i know i have someone to share my doubts, my guilts.. my problems..
but i just cant sometimes.. i know i am not the only has the worse problems.. but still.. i have problems. i wanna talk about it. i wanna let it off my shoulders for a bit too.. but i cant. i just dont want too sometimes.. i wanna see smiles. i wanna see laughter.. not their pity face saying "we'll be here for you wan.. no matter what.."
i secretly want that... but i always wanna be the one who says
"it's better if it was me, not you"
what i meant by this was.. let me be sad.. instead of you.
sometimes, i do need a hero too.
Sometimes i think of myself as a failure to my dad. my mom. both of them love me. i know that. but i know i've disappointed them sometimes.. i cant bare the fact that i will fail them again.. this hurts. i tried my best to be their best.. they trust me and my sister. my sister has a bright future i know that coz she;s way smarter than myself in high school.. my parents gave so much.. i.. wanna be able to give them back. their happiness.
i don't have what you have, that doesn't bother me..
But my parents want me to have what you have..
that makes me sad.
Please Allah.. help me.
i can't stand crying inside.
Kids, they have problems like..
why can't they get that iphone or a blackberry.
why can't they be pretty like them.
why can't they have big bulky cameras.
why can't they have all the little things that doesn't matter.
they have better lives than mine.
they just don't know how mine goes.
Trust me, i am a very understanding guy.
i think more than twice than making a decision.. like in terms of spending.
even relationships.
all that.. it;s gonna distract me from a better future.
i don't know what to do..
